I mean Marilyn Monroe, she’s quite nice, But why all the pretty icons always all white

You want to know someone who does retirement right? Whoopi Goldberg. Now, Whoop’s not technically retired, but she mind as well be. I’m into her style—hanging out on different daytime television shows in extremely large, probably expensive mumu outfits with sneakers, no make-up, telling it like it is, and then leaving the premises immediately.

Earlier this week I was set to model the Marilyn Monroe look of 5 Looks Guys Go Crazy For on Good Afternoon America, a spinoff of the more widely known Good Morning America. Everything was going great that morning, I was feeling at the top of my bootilicious game. I arrived at the GAA studios just in time for the rehearsal (Retirement People Time) when I was told my look had been cut to give the Toe-to-Toe Whoopi segment more airtime. There I sat on the bleachers, Lori Bergamotto and Steve-O the audience wrangler, my lone fans. My guy-craze-inducing look would only be online.

The elementary feeling of rejection didn’t linger long as I took full advantage of the deli run in being the only one to order a sandwich (real models eat lunch), have a gabfest with the hair and makeup crew and dodge compliments from Steven Ward.

As I was watching the segment, fully costumed from the back with the crew, Whoop waltzes in cool as a cucumber. No need for a dressing room, no need for hair and mu, no prep. Her segment was a debate on whether it should be an issue if the girl makes more money than the guy in a relationship (or at least that’s how I remember it). She was up against Steven, a grade A flirt, “master matchmaker,” and star of some reality Tough Love show on VH1 (with his mother). I never found out if he was single himself, but somewhere along the line has become an expert on what women should be doing to attract a mate.

I started to realize that the underlying theme of this entire show was things women could/should do to please/wrangle a man. Why we gotta worry about all this nonsense? Do guys really care about a chiffon dress and a metallic clutch under $100? Where the husbands at? Like Whoopi said in her closing statement “If these things are an issue in your relationship, then you probably shouldn’t be in the relationship in the first place.”

Amen sister. Who’s ready for lunch?